Hi y'all, sorry for the late update. Just realized that moving stuff around from my first site is going to be annoying, and the organization on here is already awful as it is. No hard feelings towards Neocities, just me not thinking through things enough when first creating this site. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I'll probably be moving everything. Will give a life update and stuff once that's done!
EDIT: Forgot to mention I will also be linking the new site once it's done, for any of you interested. It will probably consist of the same sort of diary format. Also will be deleting/archiving this page, mainly out of privacy reasons.
Hi! Sorry for the late update and also for password locking the site for so long... This will be short since I need to sleep soon, but I think I will be working on revamping this site and making the blog part of it more of a side page rather than the main feature. I also really want to see if JSON files work with Neocities so I can load my entries in via that, work on making an LGBT history (primarily transgender history tbh) primary source archive, mainly just for me lol. I know there's probably far better ones out there but I've recently really enjoyed just reading old journals from the 80's and stuff, and I think it's important to preserve our history in it's entirety. I also want to make this more of a Neocities, aka add more stuff to the homepage rather than this simple blog layout. I'll have to think more on what that means... Anyways! Life update: I think I'm in a far better place than I was when I started this journal, which isn't to say everything has been roses and daisies, but rather I feel a lot more secure in myself. I've also been keeping a more personal journal for my creative writing course, so I might create a blog page, and then an opinions page. The difference will be that the blog page will be about, well, me, and the opinions page should be more formally researched stuff on social phenomenons and other stuff I find interesting! I kind of want to pick up the drums again. Sorry that was completely unrelated but I do miss them quite a bit. Hitting things with sticks in a very specific order is such good stress relief lmfao. Okay that's enough for tonight, good night!
Oh I almost completely forgot! I had a cool little music player on my last neocities page, so I might look into how to do that but also how to keep it constant while you navigate multuple pages? We will see... Also planning on learning React over the summer but my heart stays with old web design so it's hard to convince myself to pick it up lol.
im totally sleepy rn i just took some melatonin to help me sleep after well. i havent been sleeping Much recently so im pretty exhausted while typing this. kind of unhappy i did like zero things of value today other than finishing up some comms, but tomorrow i hope to fix my sleep schedule and with it clean my room, run errands, and maybe... study? even? or at least lay out plans. thats about all. goodnight! sorry for the short update, i feel pretty fine other than just sleepy lol
sorry again for the late update, we actually got snowed in again for like four days... T__T... im home again now though which is awesome! i got to call my boyfriend for a long time and pick up some games and take it pretty easy for the day. gooing to keep this update brief since i feel really good and i want to watch coe before i go to bed... the snowed in part sucked since i shared a hotel room with people in fucking Reno of all places, which im convinced was my own personal hell. and then we had a 19 hour car drive. it was a lot. i feel like i gained an unhealthy amount of weight so im going to try to go biking places tomorrow when it stops raining. also i havent done like, jack shit all day but i think that was needed. i feel pretty good! good day. keeping this short yeah. okay good night! praying tomorrow goes as well as today did, but i should probably get on studying again too. goodnight!
well its been nearly like. 2 days since i updated this site. i planned to update it daily, regardless of how i was feeling but with the power going out every five seconds, it was kind of hard. oh well. i feel a lot better today than i have been the past two days. which rules since it is christmas. speaking of christmas, and the power going out, its been snowing like hell for the past few days. its so awesome. i grew up on the coast and in the desert so i never really got to see it snow this hard before. unfortunately, we might get snowed in tomorrow. bummer. um. not really sure how to segway into how my day went. well it did go well. it was funny since i had a dream before waking up that i opened up my stocking and didnt get a steam gift card and was really depressed. and then i woke up for real and didn't get a steam gift card and was kind of sad. oh well. its kind of tiring being transgender and closeted on christmas. i got lip gloss and shit which i know some trans guys who can fucking rock lip gloss but i don't really like being gnc. sob. its chill though i dont care... i do wish i got a steam gift card. i did get a tarot deck which is kind of cool and kind of fucked up reading my moms so she got bored and left halfway through. um. how do i segway into mental illness stuff skjdhf... well i do think i might try to password lock this site somehow just because i'm shy. and also the total (or almost total) anonymity of neocities is helpful, because that way i can usually dump all my thoughts out without reservations. if im complaining to a friend or something, i always hold stuff back to make myself look good. or not good, but you know. normal. sane. not fucked up in the head. well they know im fucked up in the head a little bit but i mean like evil in the bad way. ,morally dubious thought processes. uhm.. well i guess recently ive just been really nervous about everyone leaving me. and by everyone i mean like, three people because i dont really talk to people anymore since im busy. im kind of nervous that ill never be able to talk to as many people again because ill just get busier in the future but whatever. i think especially im worried that ill turn . well to clarify this was bugging me out all week but i feel loads better about it for whatever reason now. um anyways i got worried im going to end up like my ex, who i guess was kind of a shit head? Like i know in my head she was a shithead and fucked me up in the head for a long while but i don't think it was on purpose. im doing it again, i always defend her when im trying to . complain about her . ruugdsfmnmdnsmndvdf. well she was insane and ill probably just leave it at that. its been at the back of my mind for a while now: the fact that she called me clingy (in a bad way like, talking shit about me) and the fact that she was also like. clingy as hell. i always felt like i had to be at her beck and call because she would guilt me if i wasnt. i seriously dont know if any of what she did was intentional, or if she was just in a bad place and i got unlucky but i guess it doesnt really matter. damage has been done. i dont have anyone to point fingers at if thats the case but the damage still was done to me. i dont know im constantly worried im too overbearing clingy needy too much honestly all the time but also worried that im forcing my boyfriend to be at my beck and call like she did to me. i honestly cant, like fucking tell at all so that was freaking me out. although looking back on it i was being totally irrational. its weird i get into moods like that a lot. if i listened to the little guy on my shoulder who told me to leave people before they left me, i dont think id have any friends left. at the same time, sometimes that little guy on the shoulder is like. I 100% shouldve listened to him. but i get so many false alarms from it its hard to keep track of whats "real" danger and whats not. its exhausting arguing with him too all the time. maybe i should stop arguing, i heard like. not arguing with him at all is the way to go. also i think distractions are really helpful: probably what made today better is that whenever i felt myself slipping back into that, i would just go watch a video or do something i enjoy. yay. this was helpful, and i also need to go to bed now i think goodnight.. this ruled.
first entry! not much to say, but welcome to my site! i plan to use this site as a journal of my thoughts of sorts ^__^